Soul's Dumpster

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(27/05/2026)

Life with ADHD.

# Context.

I have ADHD.

I am stating this in case you have missed the dozens of times I have mentioned that through my blog (which would be expectable, who reads this shit anyway? -w-).

I have not been diagnosed yet, and that is probably gonna stay that way for quite some time. I tried to get it diagnosed -several times- and I got nowhere: I would go to a new therapist, get referenced to a psychiatrist, get told that "there's no reason to diagnose me", then be put on random medication (usually antipsychotics, which never fucking work), and then drop the meds once it's clear they're not helping. Last thing I got prescribed was Risperidone, which, as I've learned both through experience and also by reading an article on it, it's not truly effective to treat ADHD...

All the medication that I have been prescribed was either not really for ADHD (antipsychotics and antidepressants👺) or already known to not be effective treatment for it. So, naturally, I asked if I could get something like Adderall or the like- guess what? Those are illegal in my country. And the only ones which are legal and -supposedly- effective, I have not been able to get for some reason.

Fuck. My. Life.🗿

# What it's like to exist with ADHD.

Symptoms:

• Low mental energy: I get exhausted from tasks very quickly. Most of the time, I just cannot do anything that I don't really feel like doing. When I am capable of doing tasks, I get tired much quicker than other people; so the task has to be a small one, and I must do it quick.
• Limited focus: along with the previous point, I also tend to get distracted and wander from one thought to another while trying to do something. At times I find myself jumping from one task to another, without actually completing any of them.
• Physical hyper-activity: I have a habit of walking around in my house, sometimes almost running, while daydreaming and thinking. It's rather entertaining, but not good for productivity I'd say.
• Stimulation-craving: I enjoy stimulating stuff a bit too much, particularly music and sweets. It's what I do most of the day, because it takes no mental energy from me-.
• Emotional impact: not a direct symptom of ADHD, but rather a by-product of it. I feel useless and like a failure at times (more about this below).

Because of having this t h i n g, I've been struggling with academics since- forever, basically. In my 3rd year of high-school- shit hit the fan: I could not keep up with all the subjects I had, so I ended up failing the year, doomed to repeat it again. Then- I dropped out, and spent about 2 years doing nothing but trying to get treatment (I didn't :)))))). Eventually, I just went back to trying to finish high-school, and did it in less than a year.

Immediately after that, I pre-enrolled in a (public) technology-focused university, for an Information Technology major. I passed the entry test (by cheating with ChatGPT, mind you (I do not condone use of Generative A.I in general, but at the time, it was the last day to do the exam, and I wasn't gonna pass otherwise .w.)), and now I'm going through the first few months of university.

Despite -barely- making it, the consequences of having been born the wrong way don't end there: I struggle to finish videogames, get further in my hobbies(game development, illustration, creative writing, this blog, etc), do mundane every-day tasks (cleaning, washing my hair, taking showers, brushing my teeth), and just about anything that takes mental energy and doesn't provide immediate gratification. Because of these consequences- right now my -long- hair is a tangled dirty mess, I haven't showered in weeks, my teeth are in a horrid-decayed state, and I'm so fucking behind on my every university subject. It's an every-day struggle to survive even the most mundane of aspects of my life.

# So what now?

Honestly, I don't have the best answer for this, but I do have one: I just keep on trying.

Every time my brain allows me to, I work on my projects; when it doesn't, I don't. And, when I do get the chance to work on something, I always save my progress and arrange the project in a way that, it is easy for me to get back to it later; so that, even if I abandon it for months (or even years), I can resume my work right where I left it at. Also, when I really need to get something done (i.e: homework, or academic assignments), I put myself in situations which force me to be productive, like joining a vc with my project teammates.

You know- even after figuring out that there was something wrong with my brain, it took me a w h i l e to accept that I was dealing with a disability-, thus, that I am disabled, and I should not hold myself to the standards of others. And, this was even harder to accept given that, while having ADHD, I'm also intellectualy gifted: so, while struggling severely at academics- I also received praise from both teachers and my parent for "how smart" I was. That became a part of my identity, I was "the gifted kid". And, as "the gifted kid", I c a n n o t possibly be disabled, right? ... Right?😭

But I am, and I had to make peace with that fact one way or the other, or I would lose my mind. So now I just keep on trying, to the best of my ability, and hope for the best outcome. Because what else am I meant to do anyway? The world certainly has no intent to wait for me, and no help is coming my way. Therefore, I have come to the only resolution that makes sense:

I have dreams and a vision, and I will to do whatever it takes to achieve them.